Essay: Swimming

I have been swimming recently, something I have not done since training for the sprint triathlon, which happened in 2006.  How time does fly.

 I grew up swimming, though the dearth of indoor pools in Boise made it a summer-only activity.  Once in a great while my girl scout troop or a church group would travel to the YMCA downtown and we would pay the admission fee and wander down staircases and through locker rooms with naked ladies full of hair in odd places showering to emerge in the heavily chlorinated room with the pool.
Summer was different.  The public pool was right next to the high school, a short drive away—though today we would probably ride bikes, as it was close enough for a short bike ride and much too far away to walk.  Come to think of it, I walked that distance often in high school, it wasn’t far for my adolescent legs. But for a mother and two children it would have been a long walk in the hot Boise summers.
Mom always signed us up for the first round of swimming lessons.  She never learned to swim herself and so we received the largess of a skill denied to her.  We did the first round of lessons because she liked to get them out of the way for the summer.  As a child this sometimes meant the pool was frigid, and as I got older and realized there were other lessons sessions, I lobbied for a later date–to no avail. This seemed tremendously unfair at the time, but now I would do the exact same thing.
Swim lessons were fun, taught by the lifeguards, with varying degrees of competency.  My brother and I progressed through the levels. He always passed everything with flying colors; I passed everything except diving.  The skill of diving came late to me. It was scary to plunge head-first into water, even clear,
chlorinated water I could see the bottom of.  I eventually mastered it, and eventually could do something besides jump off the diving board.
But swimming lessons weren’t the point of the pool, the afternoon swim was.  We had a family pass, which was used by the children in the family, not the adults. My father worked when we went swimming and since my mother didn’t swim, it was my brother and I with the round patches sewn to our swimsuits who entered the pool every day. My mother probably walked us in when we were younger, and then took her place in the covered bleachers outside the fence.
I headed off to the right, toward the women’s locker room, my brother to the left to the men’s.  The locker rooms were bare bones, a few changing stalls (none of which had curtains) a bench and some hooks to hang the green bags while you stuffed your clothing and shoes into them.  There were showers, which I never used despite the “take a shower before entering the pool” sign.  No one seemed to follow this adage, so I didn’t either.  There were toilets, which I didn’t like to use because the seats were always wet.
From the locker room my brother and I met up at the lifeguard station, where we turned in our bags for pins with numbers on them.  After pinning our numbers to our suits, we headed to the pool.  Like most things in childhood, the pool was huge and grew smaller as I got older.  If I viewed it today it would probably be
tiny.  The main area of the pool was six lanes and 25 yards, ranging from four feet deep to 12 feet deep.  During open swim times, there were no lanes.  The four foot area was blocked off from the “deep end.”  Though there were about two lanes worth of swimming area, most of the deep end was taken up with receiving the people coming off the diving board.  We had a “low dive” and a “high dive.”  The low dive was a standard diving board, with the high dive being 10 or 12 feet.
It was a rite of passage to take your first jump off the high dive.
Directly off of the main swimming area was the kid’s area.  It was about 12 by 12 feet and ranged from two feet to probably three and a half feet deep.  It was here I logged the most hours as a child.  The four foot area of the pool was too deep for me for all of my childhood.  It was also where the adolescents hung out and thus not only too deep, but too scary for me.  But the kids area was just the right deep and full of fun.  We played.  We had goggles and messed around with them, we did handstands and somersaults and played “Marco Polo” and other invented games. The pool in the summer was my favorite place to be. In my mind, we stayed there for hours, though I bet it was 90 minutes, max.
As an adolescent, I joined swim team and became intimate with all 25 yards of the bottom of the pool, swimming back and forth with my fellow teammates.  They were good lap swimmers, some of them had been on the team since they were six, so I had some catching up to do.  My years of lessons meant I had the technique down for three of the four strokes.  I had apparently not progressed far enough in the lesson series to learn the “fly.”  After some tutoring from my teammates, it became one of my favorite strokes, so splashy and powerful.  I
became a good swimmer.
I’ve swum off and on during the years.  In college my first PE class was Advanced
Swimming and Diving taught by Professor Needham, a jolly older woman who
parlayed her teenage lifeguard experience to a life-long career teaching women
to swim, or to swim better.  We worked on our stroke technique, swam for distance and learned how to dive.  As an adult, I loved the precision of diving,
but diving opportunities in these litigious times are few and far between.  Professor Needham also taught me Lifeguarding and Synchronized Swimming.  I loved her classes.
Currently, I’ve been swimming at Columbia Pool, which is an indoor pool located in a park near my house.  I suffered a few delusions of grandeur before my first visit, hoping that there would be a sauna.  My first visit had me chuckling because Columbia Pool is the exact sort of bare-bones setup of my childhood pool.  There is a changing room, showers, toilets and the pool itself.  Forget the sauna, there aren’t even lockers.  I put my street clothing in a
green mesh bag exactly like the bags of my childhood and hang it on a rack in
the pool area.  Columbia Pool is even more bare bones because there is no bag check.  Though it is covered, giving me a year-round swimming opportunity fairly close to my house.
I’m quite happy there.  The majority of the swimming population consists of what I call “fat old ladies” women who come regularly to do their exercises, water walk, and chat.  They are quite friendly and I look forward to joining their ranks someday, though I prefer lap swimming to water walking.  The plus of my exercise companions being 30-40 years old than I am is that I feel like the young, fit one.  There are few people in my age demographic and they too, mostly do not fit the super athlete profile.
I like swimming’s solitary nature.  There is optional chatter in the changing
rooms, but the entire workout involves putting my face in the water, leaving
little time to chat.  In addition, I count the number of laps I have swum, and due to my inability to keep numbers in my mind for very long I repeat my lap count over and over again, much like a counting meditation.  Swimming is also
one of the few athletic activities I do well.  My arms power through the water and I feel strong and fast.  Because I can only compare myself to the people in the lanes on either side of me, I have limited data that will challenge my “I’m good at this” feelings.  It’s wonderful.
So I’ve become one of those saggy women with hair in odd places showering in the locker room.  I hope to keep up my swimming habit when school begins again.

Three sentence movie reviews: Letters to Juliet.

So while Amanda Seyfried’s acting (and the presence of Channing Tatum) saved the day in Dear John, this movie did not fare so well. It suffered from the problem of both male leads being insufferable, so I found myself wishing poor Sophie would find someone else.  It was also kind of boring.

Three sentence movie reviews: Limitless

I liked this movie, it was interesting and had Abbie Cornish who is fast becoming another Melanie Lynskey* in my world.  I haven’t seen much of Bradley Cooper and he was interesting to watch.  Also, Anna Friel had a bit part which was lovely as I miss her and Pushing Daisies.

*Melanie Lynskey is a fabulous actress who delights me by appearing in bit parts here and there. Unlike Abbie Cornish who seems to be the girlfriend of the moment, Melaine Lynskey didn’t go through that phase. I wouldn’t mind seeing her star in something, or get to be the girlfriend, though she is now old enough to be the wife.

Three sentence movie reviews: Snow White and the Huntsman.

So while Magic Mike held up to a second viewing, this movie did not, alas.  Matt fell asleep in the middle and I was not nearly so charmed as the first time.  But Charlize Theron’s costumes were still fabulous.

Cost: $3.00
Where:  Kennedy School

Three sentence movie reviews: Bridesmaids

This movie had an equal amount of “gross adolescent boy” in it as all of the gross adolescent boy movies, despite the fact that it starred women.  There were things I liked about it: the fact that it portrayed that awkward phase of friendship when your friend moves to a different stage than you; the fact the fat girl wasn’t apologetic about being fat; the fact that I laughed a lot.  I am looking forward to the evolution into funny movies with women that does not have gross adolescent boy humor and this is a movie on that evolving pathway.

Cost: free from library
Watched:  at home.

Three sentence movie reviews: I’m Not There

I really wanted to like this well-acted, beautifully filmed movie by wonderful director Todd Haynes, but it was very esoteric and I was quite tired, making it hard to pay attention.  Plus, I don’t know enough about Bob Dylan’s biography to relate it to what was going on onscreen.  So I did not like this, but I really, really wanted to.

Cost:  free from Libray
Watched: at home.

Essay: On Keeping Things.

Except for my teenaged years when I was amazed and delighted at the opulence of the Street of Dreams,* I have always loved small houses. There is something about a tiny space that is comforting to me.  Maybe it is that a small space forces people closer together or that in a small space putting things away is both more
necessary (there are fewer places to kick aside your stuff) and also easier.  Also, cleaning is a snap.

 Recently, I have fallen in love with tiny houses—the definition is not yet officially set, but they are usually houses of less than 300 square feet with many of them being 100 to 200 square feet.  I first found Jay Shafer’s Tumbleweed Tiny House designs while spending copious amounts of time dreaming about buying a house.  Now there are many websites touting the small living lifestyle.
I have plans to build my own tiny house one day, because building one would probably scratch that “build your own house” itch I have and also because they are so darn cute.  I am not sure if I could live in one though, and the main reason is because I still need to drag around things from my past.
I am incredibly nostalgic, and I also majored in History in college so I know the importance of primary source material.  I carry with me a good amount of primary source material, still in paper form. Though I have winnowed all of the boring “landscape” photos from my collection, I still have a substantial number of photos with people in them as well as all the negatives of my analog pictures.  I have kept a journal since seventh grade and the term “a journal” refers not to one book of my writing but over a dozen at this point.  I was one of the last
generations to write letters in college and early adulthood so I have a
tremendous pile of them sitting around.
I cannot just get rid of this stuff.
I have gotten much better about other things.  The advent of digital photos helps.  This past winter I let a number of vintage dresses go back out into the world to find new people to wear them.  Because I could photograph them, I could keep
a part of them with me and writing about them for the blog meant that I
recorded why the dresses were important. In fact, getting rid of things has become a regular feature called “Requiem” where I show the object and tell the story before I send it out into the world or the trash heap.  But I can’t really do that with letters and photos and journals.  They are a part of me that cannot be made digital.
I have searched testimonials and writing from people who live in tiny houses to see what they have to say about keeping things from the past.  Dee Williams, one of the more famous Tiny House persons has said that she felt a relief getting rid of those markers of who she was in the past. Tammy Strobel, who writes a blog called Rowdy Kittens about the tiny living lifestyle, keeps a journal, but when she fills one, she pulls out the relevant pages, scans them, and then shreds the entire journal.  Both of these practices make me shudder when I think about applying them to my situation.
In May, I went through my boxes of stuff and I learned a lot of things, revisiting who I was then.  Sure, this activity threw me into a state of manic energy for a few days and was soon followed by a crash, but looking back like that now and then is important.
Take this example.
Everyone has stories they tell about themselves—a personal narrative that makes them who they are.  One of mine is that I always have to make the first move with boys I like.  This is true to varying degrees.  Sometimes I orchestrate the situation, setting the scene carefully like a Hollywood director carefully managing her meet-cute.  Sometimes I just go for the kiss, sometimes I flat out say what I am thinking.  Other times I am a bit more subtle, but for
most boyfriends, my story goes, I make the first move.
In going through my things I found a letter written to me by the guy I now refer to as Boyfriend #4, though his name is actually Kevin**  Checking the date, I saw that it arrived in my mailbox at college at the tail end of my freshman year.  At this point, I knew this guy a little.  He was a good friend of the only ex-boyfriend
I managed to remain friends with (#2, as it were) and so our social circles
crossed frequently.  At Christmas break in December we had crossed paths again this time in a smaller circle.  He had a lot of things I liked. He was smart,
good looking, not too tall and had a head of the most incredibly gorgeous long
hair that reached nearly to his waist.*** We had music in common and
reading.  I liked that he came from a poor family (cheap dates were a necessity) and had not yet gotten around to getting a driver’s license.  At the time
I was still in my “improving” phase of girlfriend and there was some good
potential there.
Our most recent encounter was on my last night in Boise at Christmas break,
when we found ourselves together in the back seat of Boyfriend #2’s car, with
another friend riding shotgun.  As we drove around, the boys were explaining a version of the game of “Chicken” to me, wherein a boy, finding a girl’s hand on his knee prods her to move it up his leg and calls her “chicken” if she doesn’t.
“The guy wins either way!” they exclaimed to me.
I laughed at their logic and put my hand on Kevin’s knee.  In the back seat, I played my own game of chicken, slowly inching my hand up his thigh without being prompted.  At one point, caught up in the game, he shifted position, slumping down in the seat so my hand took a big jump closer to “winning.”  When we got to where we were going, we both held the position until someone opened one of the car doors which turned on the overhead lights.  The guys in the front seat peered back at us.  Kevin shrugged, his hands giving that universal, “what can you do?” while I smiled up at them.  We broke off our game and went
back to our respective lives, never saying anything about what had happened.
The letter Kevin sent me doesn’t bury the lead.  He opens by calling me a “damn cool female” and noting that because of that he can “write the real shit without offending you.”  He goes on to tell me that he is, “constantly trying to be suave when you’re around,” and chalks it up to me being a “college woman.”  Then, there is my favorite sentence written in his idiosyncratic style: “Also in there is the fact that you listen to what I say, and don’t judge me over if you
disagree.  Helping that right along is the other fact, of you going an attractive person physically.”  He goes on to say he hopes this doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable, which is a sentiment I never expressed the times I have
laid things on the table.
He continues with general chit-chat, he’s a senior in high school and things are winding down, all of his boys (the friends we had in common) were doing well—they were all going to get more than a 3.0.  At this point I have to interject and say
that this strikes me as a funny thing for him to comment on.  Were they really sitting around and talking about grades?  It doesn’t seem like them, and even less normal for him to report to me. I will chalk it up to nervous letter conversation.
When I found this letter and read it in May, I had absolutely no recollection of receiving it.  There is no envelope, so perhaps it came with a letter from Boyfriend #2 as we corresponded, albeit infrequently.  But what was weirder to me was that I remembered nothing about the feelings I had when I read it.  I can
guess that I was thrilled, as we ended up together for the summer, but the
feelings I felt during the initial reading are gone from my body.  It would be interesting to cross reference this letter with my journal from the time period, but it is currently being stored at my Aunt’s house.
I think I forgot receiving this letter because it does not fit into the personal narrative of “I always make the first move.”  And this letter proves me wrong.  If I discarded the letter along with the other flotsam and jetsam of my life, I would not have the opportunity to come across a reminder of a different version of the story I have been telling about myself.
A friend is currently editing his travel journal of a year ago and publishing it on a blog.  His travel journal seems to have been the recipient of the feelings he was working through about the demise of his marriage and the entries about the exotic location are juxtaposed with memories from different relationships with
women.  It is fascinating reading, both for the content and his writing style.
He commented to me that it is also interesting for him, because he clearly had thoughts and feelings he wrote down, but he does not remember thinking or feeling them.  Journals are good to have around for that reminder.
I worry, as we switch over to an electronic world, that these moments of insight will become inaccessible to us.  Roger Ebert wrote a beautiful tribute to his wife and remarked that he has saved all the correspondence of their courtship,
locked away in a safe on a disk drive. He can’t easily read any of it, because the computers we have today do not run what the computers the correspondence was written on, but the words are still there.
So right now, I will not be getting rid of these vestiges of the old me.  My tiny house may need to be a bit less tiny, but they will stay with me.  They will be vulnerable to fire, flood and bugs, but for a long as they go on existing, they will be a handy reminder of myself then.
8/26/12 update:  I’ve just read a blog post where Tammy Strobel says she is now keeping her journals.  Whew!
*In Portland this is a street of new homes where builders and decorators showcase their design prowess with opulence.  The rabble pays money to tour the homes and get ideas for their own, smaller dreams and then the houses are sold to rich people who probably just redecorate them with their own designers.

**The number system broke down in that tumultuous time after college when the relationships weren’t very solid.  Was that two week thing that burned out fast Boyfriend #6?  The college boyfriend is Boyfriend #5, though I mostly refer to him as “college boyfriend John” and Matt, the current boyfriend doesn’t have a number.  He’s either six or probably 10, I would have to take a careful accounting, which is the last thing I want to do, revisit those relationships.

***This prompts dialogue from the movie Singles:
–“He probably has a ponytail right?”
–“He does not have a ponytail”
–“He’s Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man.”
–“He’s not Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man.”