Category: Three Sentence Movie Reviews

A Venn diagram of my sense of humor and Sasha Baron Cohen’s sense of humor would show two separate circles with room for a multilane highway between them, so there was no way I was going to like this movie.* And I didn’t.** I do admire Mr. Baron Cohen’s ability to never break character and to ask the questions that elicit such terrible answers.

Cost: free from library
Where watched: at home in preparation for 2019’s Filmspotting Madness

Instead consider watching: Hunt for the Wilderpeople, Clueless

*His humor comes in two parts: taking advantage of perfectly nice people (the humor coach, the dinner party people) which pisses me off; or exposing the dark underbelly of normal-seeming people (the guy at the rodeo, the frat brothers) which I don’t like to be reminded of, much less find funny.
**At one point Matt came home. I paused the movie and mentioned where I was. He laughed, grabbed what he needed and left. I resumed watching. The sum total of laughs at the Orange Door for the duration of this movie: that burst of laughter from Matt.

Recommended by Bo Burnham during an interview on Filmspotting #698, I immediately queued it up because the one-two punch of Joe Swanberg and Jake Johnson have worked well for me in the past. Johnson brings a lot of nuance to a character who could have come off as unlikable and the movie illustrates the problems of a gambling addiction while following a fairly standard plot, but managed to keep me engaged. I especially appreciated Aislinn Derbez’s performance and how her character was written.*

Cost: Netflix monthly subscription fee ($7.99)
Where watched: at home

*Most single moms in movies set their standards aside once a man enters the picture. See: Crazy Hart

Also consider watching: Drinking Buddies, Rachel Getting Married

Just as I enjoy the airport reunion scene at the beginning of Love Actually more than I do the rest of the film, so did I like the montage of coming out videos that brought this movie to a close more than the rest of the movie itself.* This film is populated with either characters so abrasive I did not care about them or characters so one-dimensional I could not care about them. If I’m really reaching for one redeeming thing, it’s that this movie is a good example of someone trying so hard not to be who he really is that his actions are incredibly painful to watch.

Cost: Netflix monthly subscription fee ($7.99)
Where watched: at home

Consider watching instead: Love Simon, Trick

*The only really fun thing about this movie was the introduction of a character. The music playing was “Sister Christian” by Night Ranger, but the subtitles had the word to “Heaven on Earth” by Belinda Carlisle.  Perhaps they couldn’t get the rights?

 

 

I had conflated this movie with The Three Faces of Eve, and spent twenty minutes wondering when the multiple personalities would begin. Once I let that go, I settled in for a movie that’s called a classic for a reason. For a film that is, “all about the women and their men,” this manages not to fall too deeply into terrible 1950s-era stereotypes and also includes a ton of good lines.*

Cost: free from library
Where watched: at home

Also consider watching: Sunset Boulevard, A Star is Born (1937)

*”Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy night,” was a quote I had heard and a clip I had seen, but in context, it’s brilliant. And that is only one example.

And now for our scratch off poster:

Do you want to scratch your movie poster itch? Get the scratch off poster here.

From the sequence where Jessica Willams has her own earbuds-in dance party–stopping only to eat a PBJ–I was all in.  This movie is funny, sweetly romantic and includes two lead actors who play off each other extremely well. Like Ibiza, this also has a really great ending.*

Cost: Monthly Netflix subscription ($7.99)
Where watched: at home

Also consider watching: Maggie’s Plan, In a World, The American President, Going the Distance

*This new style of romantic comedy ending deserves a good feminist film criticism essay.  Who will write it?

 

In watching Oceans 8 with Matt, I learned he had never seen Oceans 11, 12 or 13 and that situation needed to be remedied. Just as Soderbergh had hoped, this movie remains a pleasure from beginning to end.* I’d also forgotten about the use of Elvis’s “A Little Less Conversation” in the soundtrack, which was the perfect amount of Elvis for this Vegas film.

Cost: $2.99 via Google Play (but free due to Google Survey credits)
Where watched: at home with Matt

Also consider watching: Logan Lucky, Now You See Me

*The dialogue! The costumes! The machinations of plot!  The Mormon twins opening scene where they are racing monster truck vs. a radio controlled monster truck!

 

There is a slight chance that my viewing of this film suffered from overly enthusiastic critics, but perhaps not. While the acting was good, I was never captivated by the story, possibly because Reverand Toller’s mental state made it hard to get a good sense of him, which put a lot of distance between me and the character I was supposed to care about, which left me a little bored.* I did enjoy the stark landscape of upstate New York in winter and the clean white lines of the Dutch Reform Church.**

Cost: $6.00
Where watched: Laurelhurst Theater with S. North (Two people walked out of this showing!)

Consider watching instead: A Ghost Story, Manchester by the Sea

*I also watched this in the 1:00–3:00 p.m. segment of the day which is a good test if the movie can hold my attention. It didn’t. I took in some of it with my eyes closed.
**I also have an opinion about THE ENDING, which I won’t express here do to spoilers.

I found the first Ant-Man movie to fall in the “eh” category of superhero films, so I’m not really sure why I went to see this, though I’m glad I did. There are so many funny things in this movie, both sight gags and scripted comedy. It also was a movie where the villain was sympathetic; her motivation had to do with survival, not some form of world domination.

Cost: $8.00
Where watched: McMenamins St. Johns Cinema

Also consider watching: Thor Ragnarock, Spider-Man: Homecoming

 

Having just watched 4 months, 3 weeks and 2 days, I needed a palate cleanser and remembered I had a list of royal romance movies leftover from the Megan/Harry wedding. While the Wisconsin of this movie seems to lack seasons* and the plot overall was so-so, it did have Julia Styles, who is always a treat. While not a great movie, it was a very good palate cleanser.

Cost: $2.99 via Google Play (though free, due to cashing in Google Rewards Survey credit)
Where watched: at home

Also consider watching: The Princess Diaries, Ever After

*Tractor racing at “Thanksgiving” looks as though it was filmed in sunny, dry mid-August. Denmark is the same. Winter?  Sunny and warm, if this movie to be believed.

poster from: http://www.impawards.com/2004/prince_and_me.html

This film felt more immediate due to the retiring of a certain Supreme Court Justice and speculation about what the new configuration of the court might bring for Roe v. Wade. This movie is a slow-burn terror with things going astray at every turn. It’s not a pleasant movie to watch, but is worthy of your time.

Cost: free from library
Where watched: at home in preparation for Filmspotting Madness in March 2019

Also recommended: Vera Drake, Grandma

poster from: http://www.impawards.com/2007/four_months_three_weeks_and_two_days.html